Squeeze me and I'll pass another one.

Well, thank God, that's over.

After I graduated from Trucker school, I had two long weeks to just sit on my hands and wait for the DMV driving test. I know how to sit on my hands. Quite good at that, actually.

I also used the time off to study for my endorsements. Endorsements are the certifications needed so that one can transport or do additional things, such as drive a truck around packed to the gills with explosives.

The HazMat endorsement is the hardest one to study for; it has some fairly straight-forward rules to memorize mixed in with a whole passel of oblique minutia. It is, to put it mildly, an absolutely boring mind-fuck.

When it became clear that I could procrastinate no longer, I drove my sorry ass down to the nearest DMV office and tried my best to concentrate on correctly answering the questions while a nearby, unattended toddler screamed. Despite my firm belief in imminent doom, I passed three tests that day and received my endorsements. Phew!

The following Monday, I went back down to the Trucker school in Stockton for some much-needed refreshing of my skills. (It is normal for the graduates to come back to practice just before the test)

It was pretty clear that, in only two weeks, I had forgotten quite a bit. I had forgotten the correct sequence of how to do a "Brake test". I had forgotten enough names of parts that I wouldn't be able to properly do my "Pre-Trip" but, most importantly, I had forgotten how to do a 90 degree alley dock.

Clearly, I sucked.

I was going to fail. I was going to humiliate myself in front of my friends, family, my girlfriend and my fellow students. If you don't do the brake test in front of the DMV examiner perfectly, you fail, you don't pass go and you won't get to proceed with the rest of the test. Big-time fail if you blow the first part. And failing was not an option. I didn't even have an escape plan if I failed.

I took the bull by the tail and faced the situation. It was either that, or fail.


On Monday, I reviewed both the "Pre-Trip" and the bizarre parameters of the brake test. On Tuesday, I spent five hours doing nothing but driving a semi-truck though the "alley dock" and parallel parking routines. On Wednesday, I went to the DMV.in Modesto to actually take my test.


I was nervous and absolutely tongue-tied during the Pre-Trip portion of the test. There are over a hundred individual truck-thingies to identify correctly and I just couldn't even get the words out. It was as if I had a terrycloth dish towel shoved down my throat.

Thankfully, it got better after that. I did fine during my driving and during the "rodeo skills". I didn't hit any curbs or run over any elderly pedestrians. I did, however, take three (cough-cough) pull-ups during my Alley Dock (which is quite shameful and costs you points) but, luckily, I nailed my parallel parking test.


My final score won't ever qualify me for the Trucker Olympics, but I passed.

I passed. I passed. I passed!!!!