The truck stops here

Truck stops are ghettos for people that have 53 foot trailers.

Trucks, being big, heavy and really hard to turn around are not allowed on most city streets and they are certainly not allowed to park wherever they want to. If it were not for truck stops, there would be humongous trucks parked all over the place; parked all here and there and everywhere. (It would be a real nuisance. You would never be able to back out of your own driveway.) Big trucks are allowed on main highways and onto just enough streets to get them to their terminals and whatnot, but pretty much nowhere else. That leaves truck stops as about the only places where they are allowed to go when they're not out on the open road.

I go to truck stops, but I really really really don't like truck stops. I try to avoid them whenever possible.

New haircut, same attitude.

Truck stops usually are from one of these brands: Pilot, Love's and TA. There are some independent truck stops too, but the company decrees exactly when and where we are allowed to buy fuel, and since it is always one of the soulless brand-name majors, I usually have to stop at one of those soulless brand-name majors.

Truck stops have lotsa parking spots that are big enough to hold really big trucks. There are usually over one hundred or more of these parking places, but there are never quite enough to meet demand so the parking lots are about full up by early afternoon. Any spots that are left over are only available because they're very hard to back into (especially for a newbie like myself) or directly adjacent to a stinky, poop-encrusted cattle truck. And instead of getting an easy "pull-through" parking spot, you have to do a 90 degree backing maneuver into a spot directly between two expensive trucks while judgmental truckers with names like "Bubba" are watching. My advice: don't hit somebody's expensive truck when you're parking.

The drivers with actual experience make sure that they get there early in order to get a good spot. I contend that they plan their entire work day around that night's parking spot. However, when one's drive finishes up late at night (and that "one" is me), one is going to find himself shit out of luck finding a suitable spot to park and one will find himself parked somewhere by the side of a busy road, at a noisy, freeway off-ramp or somewhere else that's pretty awful.

Truck stops sell just about everything a trucker might need. Besides a spot to park for the night, they sell fuel, really big tires, truck service, truck washes and public scales. The scales are for weighing the truck, not the driver (although I have seen some pretty large truckers who would need to use them).

Inside the truck stop is where all the "cool" stuff is. They always feature some sort of bland, sit-down restaurant; sometimes a Denny's, other times a restaurant that is kind of like a Denny's but without the panache. For those with less discerning tastes, other dining options include Subway  (there is always a damn Subway) and perhaps a Taco Bell or a Popeye's. And if those options are too highfalutin for you, there will be some suspicious hot dogs turning endlessly on heated, metal rollers that are available for purchase right near the cash registers. Adding to the ambiance is music; the world's most overplayed oldies are continually piped out of speakers secreted in the ceilings all over the property. Don't worry: if you're anyplace indoors or even outside fueling your tanks, you will still be able to hear the stupid songs of your youth.

The stores in truck stops sell anything and everything a discerning trucker could ever possibly want. They sell several brands of flavored chewing tobacco, overpriced T-shirts with "funny" sayings printed on them, baseball caps bedecked with Confederate flags, refillable 48-ounce insulated travel mugs, endless energy drinks, pills and potions and also feature a large rack of DVD movies created with a customer base of dimwits in mind. In addition, they sell a selection of CB radios, radar detectors, overpriced GPS units, replacement truck lenses made with amber or ruby-colored plastic and Lord knows what else. (Much falls into the "Lord knows what else" category.)

And coffee. Truck stops sell truck loads of coffee.

Truck stops sell numerous types of good coffee but they also sell hot liquids that masquerade as coffee. From the embarrassing amaretto-flavored drek to a respectable, strong-willed, home-schooled, dark-roasted Arabica drip (which actually ain't that half bad); they sell enough varieties to suit anyone. And since all of it is, after all, drip coffee and they sell it and replenish it pretty fast, the product doesn't sit around long enough to get fetid which means that it meets the needs of this fussy coffee snob.

Truck stops have public showers. My truck may be nice, but it doesn't have a hot shower, and after a few days of driving, a shower is worth whatever the hell they want for it. Though writing the words "public showers" and "truckers" in the same breath gives me the vapors, the showers are not bad at all. In fact, the ones at some of the Pilot truck stops have high-end fixtures and expensive ceramic tiles with sufficient ventilation and drainage. There are usually about a dozen of these showers. (Each in a clean, private room with a stout lock with which to secure the door). The cost for a shower is usually about $10.00, but we rarely have to pay our own money for them. Whenever you purchase 50 gallons of fuel or more, you obtain a free "shower credit" to use later.  Included at no extra charge: fluffy towels. I love fluffy towels.

No PBS allowed.

Truck stops also have a "driver's lounge", a place where cranky drivers can retreat to escape the families traveling with noisy children on summer vacation. Inside these exclusive lounges are coin-operated video games (that nobody ever uses) and free TV rooms. The TV rooms are often set up like diminutive movie cinemas and are pretty nice, except that they show nothing but crap. Reality TV seems to be in style and always seems to involve buying cars at auction, buying guns at auction or buying the contents of public storage spaces at auction. Other times, there is some sad-ass movie being shown. I have yet to watch an episode of "Masterpiece Theater" in a trucker lounge. Snooty me, I avoid the TV lounges.

Truck stops are also a source of WiFi, but they charge a lot for it, as if this were still 1996. What's up with that? Due to that little issue, my laptop stays stowed most of the time.

Instead of parking overnight at truck stops, I have been stopping for the night at roadside rests or just camping al fresco. The only drawback that I have found is that I don't get to eat tasty hotdogs that have been warmed on metal rollers.